worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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