Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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