Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
