Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
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