Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
