i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
