the condom got lost in my hair
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
