My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
