Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
