dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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