Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
