so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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