Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
