cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
