i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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