Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
