I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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