I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Two words: nipple clamps
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