After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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