when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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