I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
