quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
