Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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