I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
