Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
