she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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