I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
