Im at strip club and am horny
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
