Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
