Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
