it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
We need to get me chipped asap
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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