so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
