hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
