I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
