Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
