You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
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