Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
