Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
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