Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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