tonight lets celebrate not being married
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
