woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
