being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize