anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
