I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
