as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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