the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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