Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
