After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
