Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
