doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize