I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
