If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
