Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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