Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
