Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
So much Jack, so little girl.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
