Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
