I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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