My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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