I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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