Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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