i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Having a random hookup so left but love u
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
