I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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