Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
